The Hurt and the Healer
by anabelgem14
Summary: "I stare at the words on my wall. Fear God Alone. Why does pain exist, God? Why? I have nothing now. Nothing to live for." Post Allegiant. WARNING: religion


_Why? The question that is never far away_

I stare at the words on my wall. Fear God Alone. It seems almost trivial now. How can one simply fear God and God alone when there is heights and confined spaces and war and death and losing someone you love?

I ask God why, but I can't hear Him answer. Who's to say that He's even there to listen to me? What if she's out there, floating into oblivion, searching for Heaven? What if she's not out there at all? That option hurts too much. If He is not there, then she is floating. I always ask why, and I always wait for His answer, but it doesn't come. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe this is His sick way of punishing me for being selfish by wanting her back. I don't want her back so she can live. I want her back so I'm not hurting anymore.

_The healing doesn't come from the explained_

I don't really know why I check the drawer beside my bed, but a Bible is shoved in the back. It is very dusty and old, and I'm surprised it's recognizable. They haven't printed or sold Bibles since before the Great Peace. I didn't know it was there. Who lived here before me? Even I haven't been here in a year. There are too many memories of her here. There are memories of her everywhere I look. I don't know how I made it all the way to my apartment without breaking down. I took the net to get here.

I have searched every textbook and article I could find. And there's no sure-fire way to get over someone. Nothing you can say or do to bring them back or take away the pain. And that is very frustrating. Because am I really expected to wallow in misery for the rest of my life? However long that may be. I wasn't planning on leaving the Dauntless compound today. It hurts to think how mad she will be when-if we meet again. But this pain in my heart is a stabbing, white-hot kind that leaves my cheeks wet and my vision blurry and my stomach churning before I ever realized I was thinking about her. Because that's what happens every time I think of her.

To ease my shaking hands, I grab the Bible. A few pages have been turned down to save important spots. I randomly flip to one.

_Psalm 147:3 "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."_

_Jesus please don't let this go in vain_

I don't believe that verse. I'm not even sure if I believe in God anymore. Who could be so cruel as to take the life of a 16 year old girl? She was brave and selfless and intelligent even a little kind sometimes, if you knew where to look, and honest, when it counted. If He is real, why am I still hurting? Why does it feel as if a branding iron has lodged itself between my ribs? I don't want this pain to be for nothing. Why does pain exist, God? Why?

_You're all I have, all that remains_

I have nothing now. Nothing to live for. I didn't realize I wasn't living for myself until the person I was living for died. I don't want to live. I can't live for myself when she died for me. And Caleb. But it makes me feel better when I pretend it was only for me. I flip to another dog-eared page.

_Ecclesiastes 1:1-8 _

_1 To everything there is a season,_

_A time for every purpose under heaven:_

_2 A time to be born,_

_And a time to die;_

_A time to plant,_

_And a time to pluck what is planted;_

_3 A time to kill,_

_And a time to heal;_

_A time to break down,_

_And a time to build up;_

_4 __A time to weep,_

_And a time to laugh;_

_A time to mourn,_

_And a time to dance;_

_5 A time to cast away stones,_

_And a time to gather stones;_

_A time to embrace,_

_And a time to refrain from embracing;_

_6 A time to gain,_

_And a time to lose;_

_A time to keep,_

_And a time to throw away;_

_7 A time to tear,_

_And a time to sew;_

_A time to keep silence,_

_And a time to speak;_

_8 A time to love,_

_And a time to hate;_

_A time of war,_

_And a time of peace._

_So here I am, what's left of me. Where glory meets my suffering_

I don't realize it, but I've started crying. There is a weight bearing down on my heart. If all I have to do to make it past the pain is trust in God, then that's what I will do. I say a prayer, but the weight doesn't go away. I am frustrated, very frustrated, and I throw the Bible at the wall where Fear God Alone is marked. The Bible slides down the wall and lands face down.

Guilt pinches my stomach, so I go and sit down next to it. There has to be a reason for it landing on whatever page it did. I breathe deeply and hold my breath as I pick it up. It is in Daniel, but the page isn't what catches my attention. There's a loose piece of paper stuck in the binding. I open it.

It is an old piece of paper, centuries old, but still readable. There is one thing on the paper.

"_They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies." -William Penn_

_I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died_

These words have knocked the breath out of me. Somehow, this page has comforted me more than Amar or George or God Himself could. I know that the day Tris died, I lost a piece of myself. Something will never be right in me. There is a Tris-shaped hole in my heart. But somewhere, somehow, I know that she is smiling down on me, and because she lives there, my heart must hurt.

_You take my heart and breathe it back to life_

I think that this is when I really start to believe—I'm not sure. Something breaks; it is a floodgate in my chest that has burst open and is spilling out with love and anger and hurt. There is nowhere for my love to go. It used to be used on her, and now that she doesn't need my love anymore, it feels right that it should go to Him.

_I fall into Your arms open wide_

I am hurting, and the pain I feel from her absence isn't going to stop overnight. But if the Bible says that God can heal a broken heart, then I will choose to believe it.

_When the hurt and the healer collide_

It's not an easy choice. But it is my choice, and I need to stick by it. I have to. Because if that passage is telling me anything, it is that without hope, we are hopeless. Without something to hold on to, I will fall. I will crumble.

I have to stay strong. For Her.

_Breathe_

I have to remind myself to breathe.

_Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do, pain so deep that I can hardly move_

It isn't easy leaving the compound. I don't have plans, but I feel as if I can never go back. I take the Bible with me.

Amar is waiting in my temporary apartment, down the street from what used to be Erudite headquarters. "Where have you been?"

I place the Bible carefully on the table. "I had some thinking to do."

He gestures to the note I left on the counter. "I saw your note."

I glance at the note. I had forgotten about that. It said one thing. "It hurts to miss her." My

face contorts in pain. He doesn't say anything. He just picks up the Bible and flips to a few of the dog-eared pages, making himself comfortable. And I think that is okay. I don't want to be alone. We don't talk, but we don't need to. What is there to be said? I am sitting in my pain, and he is sitting next to me, letting me sit in my pain.

_Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You. Lord take hold and pull me through_

It gets easier. I try to read a little bit of the Bible every day. Some of my favorites include highlighted verses of the previous owner. Some of them make me feel better. Some of them give me peace. Some of them just remind me to keep fighting. Because that is what she deserves.

Amar has started coming over on a regular basis to read the Bible with me, and he mentioned bringing George next time.

_So here I am, what's left of me. Where glory meets my suffering_

Slowly, I come to terms with the fact that I have nothing to live for -but- God. Tris was my God, and I think maybe that's a small reason she is gone. My God is a jealous God.

_I'm alive_

_Even though a part of me has died_

_You take my heart and breathe it back to life_

I've even stopped praying for her to come back. I know that is impossible. I saw here there, on the table. I know, however deep it is buried inside of me, that she is in a better place. Instead, I pray that she is happy, and that she is waiting for me to join her one day.

_I fall into your arms open wide_

_When the hurt and the healer collide_

There are days when the hurt is too much to bear. I don't leave my apartment those days. I still cry. But grief is a funny thing. It makes you feel sad. And guilty for not celebrating life instead. And angry. I feel angry a lot of the time. There may or may not be more than a few holes in the walls here and there.

But faith is a funny thing too. It makes you doubt. I can't count the number of times I have wanted to give it all up and go back to the Dauntless compound and finish what I started there. But it makes you feel something other than grief, too. Which is nice. It's comforting. If I had to describe faith as a color, it would be yellow. Tris's hair was yellow. Instead of it hurting when I think about her, it actually makes me smile. Faith does that, too. Takes a bad, dark thing and makes it a reason to rejoice.

Those are the days when I interact with my friends. They are starting to happen more often than not.

_It's the moment when humanity_

_Is overcome by majesty_

I am not okay. I will never be okay. But that is okay.

_When grace is ushered in for good_

_And all the scars are understood_

I come across the verses one day-the ones where Jesus was crucified and three days came back to life. I think of Tris. She died for what she believed in, a true martyr, like Jesus. But I know that she isn't coming back to life. And that's okay. Because she is living in Heaven, and one day, when God calls me, I'll go, and she will meet me.

"I finally understand why God would do what He did. Take her, I mean." I say to Christina and Zeke one day over a dinner of pizza and beer.

Christina's chewing slows. "Why?" She says through a full mouth. I'm not sure if she believes in God or not.

"If she hadn't died, I wouldn't have ever believed in Him. I wouldn't have ended up in Dauntless compound, and wouldn't have found my Bible." I don't know when I started referring to it as "my Bible," but I like it. It feels right.

_When mercy takes its rightful place_

_And all these questions fade away_

I stop asking why. I know why now. And for the first time, I think I might be okay at the end of all this.

_When out of the weakness we must bow_

_And hear You say "It's over now"_

I know that one day, when The Lord calls me, I will have to answer, and if He is pleased, I will be rewarded. With her.

_I'm alive_

_Even though a part of me has died_

_You take this heart and breathe it back to life_

_I fall into your arms open wide_

_When The hurt and the healer collide_

I have a new life. Not only have I been able to start over in Chicago, but my soul has been reborn. And that is such a great feeling.

_Jesus come and break my fear_

_Awake my heart and take my tears_

_Find Your glory even here_

I find that I'm not scared of death. I'm not scared of living. I'm not scared of living without her. I'm scared of what will happen if I lose faith. That's why I end up painting Fear God Alone on the bedroom wall of my new apartment. I used to say it to remind myself that fear wasn't anything to be afraid of. I've learned that fear is, in fact, scary.

But there's something that's even scarier. Fearing nothing. Fear reminds us that we are breakable. I am breakable, and that is okay. God is unbreakable, and if He is unbreakable, I only have to be me, and He will be the rest.

_When the hurt and the healer collide_

* * *

**Anabelgem14 here. I've never done anything like this. I've never written about my faith, or done a songfic. I usually don't like songfics. But the first time I heard this song, this idea popped into my head. It's called The Hurt and the Healer by Mercyme. Listen to it. **

**If you have any questions, review or PM me. Just a little oneshot while I'm taking a break from my other Divergent story, Contingent. **

**Also, a small side-note. If you don't like my religion or agree with me, just don't read it again. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable, but I won't apologize for my faith. **

**Another side-note: if I've incorrectly quoted verses on here, please let me know! :)**

**Until next time, Anabelgem14**


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